Dear Sir or Madam,
Thank you for your public service.
Now that we have dispensed with the niceties, I would like
to address a matter of minimal concern to myself and likely of minimal concern
to you as well. Since I suspect, at the end of the day, as surely as I am merely
a statistic, thou art merely a bureaucratic drone, I therefore greet you with
the tepid fervor of a man uncaring, and you, I presume, receive me with
the same inconsequent torpor. No doubt a profound humanity shivers at the
gooey center of our culturally sculpted frames, but that is neither the “here”
nor “there” of it. It is our business that is imminent, though our natures be
eminent.
After some novel correspondence with the City of Tucson I
was under the distinct but, lo and behold, apparently misinformed impression
that our row concluded when I sent you those fivers in a Federal Reserve note,a Monopoly bill, and my own special printing. I skipped merrily along my
tortuous way with the false comfort that my tiff with Tucson was, as the French
say, fin.
Then, as suddenly as meteorite debris o’er Russia, I was
sent a terse note:
NOTICE OF DELINQUENT ACCOUNT with threats of “the
interception of Arizona tax refunds or lottery winnings” in red.
“Oh my!” thought I, and my little lower class heart leapt in my chest.
“Oh my!” thought I, and my little lower class heart leapt in my chest.
In regards to the interception of my Arizona tax return:
Even though I live frivolously and suavely below the poverty line, I have yet
to ever receive a tax refund from the State of Arizona. I am actually wondering
upon whom or what I have to perform fellatio in order to receive said refund.
My next question would be, would the City of Tucson take fellatio in settlement
for a delinquent account. This is not to say that I would be willing to give
fellatio to Tucson Proper, but rather a question of whether Tucson could
legally intercept any fellatio I may have coming to me by any number of Proper
Tucsonians.
With regards to the interception of lottery winnings: While
I don’t play the lottery… ever… I’d like to think that if I did play and won
(at odds of 1 in 135,000,000 for the Mega Millions jackpot; 1 in 50,000,000 for
the Megabucks Slot Machine jackpot; or 1 in 960,000 for the $1,000 Scratch
ticket) that I would still be awarded my full share without your claimed
$523.60 being deducted. Moreover, I would contend that my odds of becoming a
billionaire (1 in 7,000,000) or becoming President of the USA (1 in 10,000,000)
are still better chances, by 7 and 5 times respectively, than are my chances of
winning the Megabucks Slot Machine jackpot. By this measure I would encourage you
to seek your paltry trove in my future as a billionaire or as a President, as
your surety of payment is significantly greater under these rare circumstances,
as would be your cut if I were to sue Jehovah, God for damages in the event that I am
struck by lightning (1 in 700,000) or dealt a royal flush in a high-stakes
poker game (1 in 650,000). My ample point is that there are easier
interceptions than this Hail Mary lottery scheme of yours, and perhaps you
would be willing to hire me as an assessor of other rewarding statistical
probabilities whereby the sheered public may render unto Caesar, or in my case,
the cops.
Following your rude red letters comes a rather vague
allusion, “…and other sanctions authorized by law.” I would like full
disclosure on this point, as “indefinite detention”, “my firstborn son”, “my
left nut”, and “taking it out of my ass” are less than desirable options for
me. I would like to see my choices on this front, and I am happy to work out a
mutually beneficial solution that doesn’t involve “a pox on my house”.
I remain ever insubordinate,
Ox in the Box
Society for Theocratic Anarchy
